When I left Argyll in 2022 there were very good reasons. Some normal ones—I wanted to return to Canada to be closer to family and I have been rewarded with front-row seats to welcoming three wonderful new little humans to the earth. Also, my landlord in Argyll was awful and we had no potable drinking water and really volatile conditions on the land around us that made staying incredibly uncomfortable.
And then there were some reasons I might never be able to explain very well—that I had developed a beautiful relationship with that landscape (which inspires this story) and I distinctly understood that I had been protected there for a while but that wouldn’t continue. It was time to go. I’ve heard messages like that before and understood them. So I left.
And I don’t know what I expected to happen really. But it wasn’t this. I have struggled a lot since I came back to Canada. I have felt like an untethered immigrant and been unable to settle into the changed conditions since I left over 23 years ago. I don’t have the certainty of Odysseus. It’s more like a whole new frog* in the boiling pot metaphor. I left a familiar boiling pot of trouble for a new one where I’ve definitely noticed the temperature!
Like everywhere, and I venture inside so many of us, there is a reckoning here for the space between what we thought we were and what we are. And once aware, deciding what actions you need to change if that disappoints you. The work and efforts that easily sustained me in Argyll are demonstrably not enough here. And I can’t find where my feet are supposed to be. And although so much of this unstable experience is material (pun intended LOL and thank you Nora Ephron) and it will help me write an ancient version of this same experience for St Marnoch as she makes a life far from home, it’s been difficult to feel safe and resourced. Conditions I have learned are absolute requirements for my creativity. Go figure.
And yet… such beautiful words! And yet… I’ve been the recipient of more help and love and support than I’ve probably ever allowed in my life (cue more discomfort) and I’ve found a way to keep creating. Without a home of my own, with constant struggles over money, I’ve kept creating.
When I couldn’t use words this autumn I painted. What a blessing that reminder was (one that re-embodied all my work on consent and Permission to lead a life that doesn’t require forcing things, even yourself). And just this week I’ve submitted a completed TV Pilot I wrote to multiple competitions. It’s out of my head and achieving its destiny. Via con Dios darling story I hope they like you.
Why am I telling you all this? I wanted to explain my sometimes absences from this project as I find my way. And I guess because as a 52-year-old writer who’s really just getting started, I want to share all the things externally and internally that just might stop you in your creative journey too. I want to remind us that a pause isn’t an ending. Our words and work needs to find their way into the world and it needs to happen with the least amount of harm to you.
Be back soon with some more of my research for this book. I keep learning so many extraordinary things about this story’s time and place.
Much love,
Susie
*While going looking for a frog picture for the blog I stumbled upon this post about the meaning of Frog Spirit across cultures. Wow, talk about timely messages! Obviously I am going to have to write one into the story now…
Thank you, Susie, for carrying on with your creative work despite change and obstacles. I have a spare bedroom if you want to come and write with me for a change of pace. It’s SLO here. 😘Be
"I want to remind us that a pause isn’t an ending. Our words and work needs to find their way into the world and it needs to happen with the least amount of harm to you."
This is just the thing I wanted to read today, thank you. My heart is with you as you traverse this rocky road 💜